What I've learned about myself during a pandemic

Recently I’ve been pondering how much I’ve changed in the last year and a half. During the pandemic, I realized there is so much I didn’t and still don’t know about myself. As a teenager, I’m constantly growing and changing, trying to figure out my value system and who I want to become. Like many, the pre-pandemic version of myself is a different version of me that I am today so I thought I’d share some of the things learned about myself as a teenager during the pandemic.

I am a slow processor, in more than just learning. Since I was a small child I had a hard time in school keeping up with the curriculum. Concepts take me a bit longer than the average person to understand. I’ve always known this about myself referring to school but I didn’t realize that my mind processes situations slower, referring to everything.

An example would be that my friend said something that hurt my feelings, most of the time I don’t even realize something hurt my feels till hours later or the next morning. Being a slow processor is just how my mind works, and now that I’m am aware of that when someone needs an important answer from me immediately after asking I know that I need a few hours or days to process what’s going on.

Taking responsibility for how people treat me- this past year I have been in some sticky situations. I let my boundaries get crossed over and over again and said nothing. When I would communicate that my boundaries were being crossed, others simply did not want to listen and I didn't change any of my actions as a result. Although someone else was the one crossing my bounders and not respecting them when I told them that I didn’t like something, I ultimately let others treat me with disrespect and that’s 100% on me not them. We are all responsible for how we let others treat us and not taking ownership of that is giving away your power.

Gut feeling - this goes alongside taking responsibility for how others treat you but when your gut repeatedly tells you this is not a good idea, you listen. For me, it took a bit of a dramatic situation to fully realize that my gut feeling was there to protect me and that it should be trusted. The larger the feeling the more you should follow/ listen to it. In a way, it’s your subconscious trying to redirect you. This is something I rarely paid any attention to before the pandemic and looking back I notice more and more that I should have listened to my gut.

That I want to be more comfortable being alone n having a relationship with one’s self - pre-pandemic I didn’t usually spend time with myself, and most of the time when I did I felt lonely. For years of my life, I felt as though I needed other people to be whole in a way. Before high school ( i’m going into my junior year) I didn’t have any friends or at least friends that I really connected with. I went to a secluded elementary school/middle school for learning disabilities. The class sizes were 5-10 students per class. My family also moved around quite a bit so there wasn’t a network of kids my age in my neighborhood and if there was I didn’t know them because I didn’t go to school in that neighborhood. For a long time, the friend options were limited and it made me feel like I wasn’t capable of having friends or was not good enough. It created a — subconscious stigma that when I was alone, I wasn’t alone by choice but because I didn’t have any good friends. Now, this was before I learned to prioritize a healthy relationship with myself, and I like to contribute this to then having ( in more recent times) friends that didn’t want the best for me and brought negative vibes to the table.

I had to start creating a good relationship with myself to have a good relationship with others. Creating time for myself to do the little things that bring me joy or just reflecting what state of mind I am in. If I am being negative I try and reflect what was the cause of this. I have found this to be very beneficial for me. Some things I do by myself is go out to eat, go to the library, read, write in a journal, go work out, and do new things by myself. Enjoying your own company is definitely something I’m still trying to figure out, but I think it’s cool that I’m now more aware.

One thing that’s awesome about having a better relationship with yourself is reflecting/ seeing things more clearly. I look back at a time not too long ago where I had such big insecurity about not having a good group of friends. But at this point, if someones not going to put in the same effort, be my cheerleader, be honest, and be unconditionally happy for me and my successes even if they’re not currently feeling successful in their own life 

Then I don’t want it. And the people I spend my time on should reflect that.

top + skirt: Lazy Oaf, I bought it from Dolls Kill and they no longer carry this brand / shoes: Birkenstock